Our Deepest Fear by Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Excerpt from Heart's Armor



When the battle was finished they were two alone.  After scanning their surroundings for others they looked at each other.  Warrior was grinning at her.  “I see now how you do it.”  

“Do what?” She asked as she turned to face him, looking regal and deadly in her blood stained common clothing, wielding two blades – how she came up with the second he did not know but he knew better than to ask.  She would not recall.  Her body spoke of her ancestry.  Ages of warriors pumped still through her veins, brought forth to the surface to answer the call to protect that which was hers.  She was not trained and could not train when she knew not she did.  She fought because she had to and it was not within her to give in.   

“Live,” he answered as he walked to the body of the leader.  Here he knelt and jerked the man’s shirt free from his belt. 

“I think I enjoyed it more,” he said to the dead man.  “You’ve no idea how much I enjoyed this.”   

Using the man’s shirt he wiped clean his blade.  Somehow ridding the world of this rabble eased his conscience – like he was destroying that within him he had come to despise. 

He lifted his head to watch Lena approach him.  “Before you speak of them,” he said, “and ask of my actions.  I fought with them, yes, but I had no love for them.  They were an end to my means, extra swords with which to vent my rage.  I can remember not one of their names.”

She titled her head and brushed the wild hair from her face.  “Your means?”

He stood and closed the distance between them, nearly touching her with his body.  She did not step away.  “My means,” he said simply.

His eyes met and held her and he thought to wrap his arm around her, draw her against him and show her those means.

Then he stepped away and looked to the meadow.  “We should look to the children.  I thought I heard…”

“…a scream,” she finished and rushed ahead of him.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

from Raven's Shadow



“You have no trouble with women, Sir Cathal,” she chided gently.  “You shall find this one no different.  She will soften to you and you will teach her what she needs to know.  No other can do what you can with this one.”
His cheeks colored and he winked at her.  “Those things you speak of have nothing to do with her being a girl.”
“Don’t they?” she asked.  “This one will be sought after and she must learn how to protect herself.  As for her being a girl, girls are just small women.”
“This one is not,” Cathal said and his eyes took on a more concerned look, a more protective look.  The girl would be sought after but at this time it was not for her beauty or her virtue.  “I’ve not the knowledge to train her as women should be trained.”
Martha shrugged.  “Then do not. You have been without a squire for many years.  Now, you have the chance to train one yourself.”
“I do not wish this one to face the same fall as other squires.”
“I do not believe this one will fall so easily.  Give her the chance, Cathal.  I think you will be surprised.”
He looked to the boy then back to Martha and once again his look softened and he moved closer to her.  “If only I could take you as well, my lady,” he said with a soft sigh.  “I will take her and teach her the way of the sword.  Perhaps, I will be fortunate enough to find her family along the way.”  He drew in a heavy breath.  “Before we leave I will need your expertise to help me disguise her….” he looked again at the boy, “…you know what I mean.”
Martha chuckled and nodded.  “I will help the two of you when you prepare to leave.  Let us get some more meat on her bones before you go.  She could scarcely hold a dagger now, so thin is she.”  She touched his cheek again.  “Now, if there is nothing more, my dear Sir Cathal, I must feed Ailin and alert the good healer that his patient is awake.”
Cathal nodded and stepped away from her, growing once again in size and ferocity.  Ailin watched in curiosity at the transformation.  Cathal turned to Ailin and bowed respectfully to him.  “Ailin, I wish you good healing.  I may visit again before I take my leave but should I not, I bid you also good travels.  I feel you will be a great force one day.”
Ailin blinked in response and watched him go.  When the door had closed Martha moved to the fire and brought back a bowl of soup.  She set it down beside the bed and removed some more of his bandages.  He watched her eyes to judge from them the damage done to his face but saw no emotion change whatsoever. 
“It might not be an easy thing, eating, Ailin,” she said softly, “but I want you to try.”

Thursday, January 3, 2013

The Other side of the Camera

Here in my rural community located on the southern end of the San Luis Valley we have a neighborhood watch.  We don't have signs posted, nor are we listed on any website or on any neighborhood watch listing.  We have a phone tree, most of us are on speed dial with each other.

The calls go something like this:
Phone rings.
I answer:  Hello
Caller:  The horses are back, close the gates. 

The conversation sometimes goes further than this but most often it's as I'm on the way out the door.  "Where are they?"
"Last seen heading north."
"Okay"  My eyes look in the direction I think the caller is - it's a cell phone though so they might be on the road.

And then there's a nicker.  I might be too late.  Good, I sigh in relief, they missed the open gate into the driveway but my own horses are up against the pasture fence to meet them.  There's the familiar whistle like sound.  There's a stud among them.  I see Tex tense, I see his neck and back arch, and my heart sinks.  I've a rock in my hand and I let it fly.  It connects - my aim has somewhat improved - but it doesn't do much more than alert them to my presence.  Fortunately, my next throw and my next war cry are halted by the sound of horn blaring and the revving of an engine.  Someone's coming in a truck.

The horses spin on their heels and take flight.  The truck mercilessly follows.  I watch so I know the direction they run.  Some run to the east - toward Melby Ranch.  Others run west toward the Rio Grande. 

This has been our routine for a few years now.  "The horses" have become a parasite.  They damage hay fields, fences, and livestock.

Phone rings.
I answer:  Hello
Caller:  The horses came through, I drove them off  but...Clara, Easy's hurt.  You might want to take a look at her.  Her baby's all right.  She's a good mama.

Yes, yes she is.  Easy - registered APHA Easy M - is my broodmare.  I've had her for almost 14 years.  I rode her two or three years before I decided she might be more content as a broodmare - long story about horses having some of the same anxiety issues as people.  She's the dam (mother) to Dani and Dusty (some of you will recall the two)  She's also mother to Dollar and Merlin.  Merlin isn't well known yet.  He's the 'baby' she was protecting from "the horses".  Merlin will be 3 in February.  Easy still limps, though not always noticeably, from her battle with "the horses".  It took some doctoring, but she healed.

January 1, 2013
Phone rings
I answer:  Hello
Caller - my sister:  I got a call from _____ (a neighbor who watches over our retired horses).  The horses came through.  The stud got hold of Elmer. 

Elmer didn't survive.  It was a painful, gruesome death and one that SHOULD NOT have happened.  He deserved better.   Elmer - a grade bay Tobiano (that's an unregistered paint btw) came into our family approximately 10 years ago.  A neighbor owned him and made me an  "If you can catch him, he's yours" deal.  He was a tricky thing, I understood, and trickier still he was pasturing in a field with a string of trail horses and donkeys.  I grew up with tricky horses and learned a trick or two myself (yes, I CAN BE TAUGHT!!!)  Needless to say, Elmer came home in my trailer.  I could have come home with two of the donkeys as well - they loaded the trailer the second the gate was opened.  No tricks needed there!  The trick, then, was to get the two of them OUT without upsetting their dignity.  Elmer wasn't a tall horse but he was wide, wide enough to take up two spaces in the trailer.  He had a good foundation, too.  His feet were HUGE and he is credited with one breaking of my foot - not maliciously but I am my own farrier and when he got tired of holding his foot up for me, he had a lot of weight behind him when he dropped it.  He was the kind of horse that could hold his weight on a cracker and water - mind you, that is an expression as he was fed very well.  He probably would have come in 7th in a 6 horse horse show but as far as we were concerned you wouldn't have been able to trade the 1st place horse for him.  He carried my young son on the trail, behind the cattle, and through more than a few gymkhanas.  My son and Elmer won a peewee buckle together - and Elmer got more than a few bites of grain from the flag race - er, DURING the flag race - in the process of earning their champion title.  Elmer carried more than my kids.  If we had someone visiting who hadn't ridden and was nervous about horses, or someone that couldn't step onto the taller horses because of age or injury they rode Elmer.    The kids outgrew him - as kids will do - and we decided it was time to retire him.  A neighbor has pasture and has, for the past few years, welcomed our retired equine family members into her care where they can keep the grass down and she has company.  It was here, "the horses" attacked him.

Elmer didn't have to die.  Not like this.  Not because of the negligence, ignorance, and complete and total stupidity of the public.  Yeah, I'm a little bitter with 'public' and my tongue is tired of getting bit back in the effort to 'understand the public and public opinion'.  I'm at the end of hoping someone will finally see the problem and be able to legally do something.   Elmer's death might well be the straw that broke this camel's back.  No longer am I planning on being patient with the 'public'.  It's time the 'public' understood - or at least heard because it might be a lot to expect in hoping for understanding - the other side of the camera, the other side of  the 'bill'.

Who or What are "the horses" in our neighborhood watch calls?  They are discards, they are so called 'wild', and they are 'owned but neglected'.   From the mesa east of HWY 159 to the Rio Grande river there is a lot of land.  At one time stolen cars were driven through here and dumped in the river.  Other times, unwanted dogs were brought out here and discarded.  Murdered bodies were discarded so nature could conceal evidence.  In the past few years it's been horses.  Horses are expensive to feed, we're amidst a drought so even expensive food is hard to come by,  and the passing of the no-slaughter law dropped the price of horses to an all time low.  Some people lose money by hauling the horses to the sale barn.  Instead, they bring the horse out here, drop it by the river or highway, then leave.  And hey...there's water and and green - it must be food right? - they can live like real wild horses now!  Horses have to travel many miles a day in order to get what they need and some of those discarded horses don't have the teeth necessary to survive like 'real wild horses'.  By the way, 'real wild horses' do die too...painfully of starvation, and when a predator brings one of these horses -not born in the wild - down, it makes the widely shared and viewed youtube video of the horse slaughtering look humane. 

That's one cause to the overflow of 'the horses'.

Another is a little broader, a little harder to write about, and even harder to accept.  We have people who've moved into the area - very persuasive people, good with their tongues ...some might call them scam artists.  They've listed themselves as heroes, taken money from the public to support their 'cause'. Horses have also been donated to their 'efforts'.  These horses have been brought out here and just 'dumped'.  I have heard rumors, though - according to paperwork somewhere there's supposed to be a boys ranch or something to which these horses and money have been donated.  Yeah, SURPRISE it's not there.  Most of these horses know people and know that people are responsible for feeding them.  They find their way to haystacks, hay fields, yards, gardens, etc looking for the usually provided food and water.  Those that 'own them'  can never be found when called to take responsibility.  Authorities have been called but like us, their hands are tied.  There's so much 'grey'.  Therefore, we either loose money, loose feed intended for our own livestock, or we take care of the problem by whatever means necessary.  This herd - one that will usually run back to the river when chased away - has been neglected, no stud colt is gelded, and likely has not the manners domestic studs are normally instilled with through understood training.  Then there's those people who think horses are 'pretty' and 'gelding is inhumane'.  The way Elmer died, was more than a little inhumane.  The public promotes spaying and neutering of dogs and cats but they haven't started promoting gelding before discarding of the horses yet.  Yeah, still bitter with the public.

AND yet another part of this parasite is the 'wild horses'.  To the east of HWY 159 is the mesa.  It goes by Melby Ranch now.  Before it was Melby Ranch it was Wild Horse Mesa.  Way before I was born a small herd of horses was purchased and turned loose on the mesa.  There is a chance they might have even been BLM adoptions - though releasing them would have been in violation of the adoption.  They were purchased and released to promote the name of the mesa as well as the sale of the land lots.  The descendents of these horses are those blood bays with the white faces and most have one or two white socks.  You'll see them - living and dead (killed when crossing the highway more often than elk and other wildlife) - along the highway.  I don't consider them wild horses and from recent discussions, I don't believe BLM does either.  Recently, a stud was purchased and released (I'd call that neglect) to "improve the bloodlines of the horses".  The public thinks this is wonderful.   The public has donated funds to the protection of these horses, pieces have been published in the papers, heroes have been knighted in their defense of these horses which feed on private land owners, tear through fences, break up into smaller herds - it's rare that more than one stud will be allowed amongst mares and therefore young studs often break from the herds to collect their own herds.

The public has seen the romance.  The public has seen one side of this coin.  The public might want to take a look at the flip side.  The public might want to consider private land owners, horse owners, and farmers and ranchers.  We're the ones that pay the price for "the horses".   

I'm the one that's come to the end of the patience.  I was once one that didn't want to shoot "the horses".  I'm one that thought the authorities would help us.  I'm the one who hoped the public would see.  I'm the one that's lost faith in the public after the last phone call regarding "the horses".

I am a horse lover - I have read or watched almost every horse book or movie ever written or produced.  Growing up I knew the name of every horse in history - meaning if a recorded hero owned a horse I knew the name of that horse.  Cincinnati - General Grant, Traveler - General Lee (I forgot more than I remember more than likely but at one time I knew).  I know the background behind King of the Wind.  He's one of the THREE.   Movies?  There was a time when I could tell you the stage name and real name of every hero horse.  I could point out when a mare played the part of a gelding and vice versa.  Every story, poem, or sentence I wrote in elementary and junior high involved a horse -my poor teachers.  Unless otherwise required, my art class portfolio was made up of horse related scenes.  I chased cattle horseback on hills like that seen in The Man from Snowy River - albeit Stormy and I took it A LOT slower.  Dani came close to Dunny's pace a time or two and it wasn't by my choice but I trusted her.  Tex took one look and found an alternate route.  He has the 'we'll meet the cows at the bottom, boss' way of thinking.  I spent hours studying breeds, colors, genetics.  I grew up on a horse - first horse was named Flicka! (meaning first I didn't have to ride before or behind someone)  I can tell you the name of every horse I've ridden/owned since - and there's been a few of them. 

I OWN and CARE for my horses.  I put A LOT of MONEY and TIME into the care of my horses.  They are my family, they are my home.  They are NOT neglected.  They are the REAL deal.  I have health papers, inspection papers, vaccination verifications.  My horses have seen the chiropractor more often than I have (I know that's not saying much but...still).  Their teeth are floated, their feet are cared for.  Those I own currently are descendents of the greats.  All but two have their pedigrees to verify this.  Remember Man O War?  Northern Dancer?  Secretariet?  You've seen the movies and read the books I'm sure.  What about Three Bars?  Ratchett?  Zan Parr Bar?  Easy Jet?  My horses descend from those horses.  What their pedigree verifies is that there's been time and effort and thought placed into their care and breeding.  Not one of their ancestors was discarded.  They were respected and cared for to the end of their days.  My horses will follow the path of their ancestors and WILL be respected and cared for to the end of their days.

 I will no longer stand by and watch them have to suffer at the hands of public ignorance and neglect.  After Elmer's death, I have decided that there is no more give, no more patience, and very little understanding of public opinion.

From now on, and I'm going public with my promise, every 'neglected', 'wild', 'pretty horse who just can't be gelded because it's inhumane' that comes close to my family will be taken as a threat and will die.  If the public does not wish to see this - and I'm not thrilled it's come to this either but the final line has been crossed - then the public should wake up from the romance of the 'wild horse' and look at the reality.