...in abortion. That's right, I once thought it should be accepted. The logical, the law of the land, the survival of the fittest in me believed that abortion had its place. After all, on the farm we are strong enough with the land to know that if a baby is born weak there is a good chance it will not live long and the right thing to do would be to put it out of everyone's misery. I thought people were no different.
I believed if there was solid proof that the baby would be born with defects wouldn't it be better for the family and everyone around the baby if it were not born? I also believed that for the sake of the mother's life then yes, abortion should be acceptable.
I NEVER believed it should be used as birth control. I never believed it should be used as a correction for error in judgment. I never believed that rape should be used as an excuse for abortion. Just think of all the heroes that never would have been heroes just because their mama didn't know their daddy. If you read or watch movies, I'm sure you can think of at least one bastard that became famous! Would have ruined the story had that baby ...er tissue as it's referred to when discussing the justification of the procedure...been removed.
So what changed my mind?
The answer is fairly simple...experience.
I didn't want to have a baby - oh sure eventually but not then. It's not always what we want that we get but it's usually what we need.
I knew the second he was there (in fact I can relate to you almost every single event of that day). I knew his conscience. I knew what color his eyes would be - I saw them clearly and they weren't the blue of his father's. I knew he existed and I knew he wanted to live!!! I didn't need the two pink lines and I didn't really need for my good friend who worked in the lab to hurry up the blood work to verify. He was active from the beginning. He was thinking, he was living, he was thriving.
I didn't suffer any sickness but I tired easily - too easily. Tests showed my anemia was at an all time high. No biggie - I could handle that, even when I fell asleep in my own class I thought I was still going to be all right. No matter what we tried the anemia just got worse. And there were dreams - vivid dreams. I was playing with him but he couldn't see or hear me. He was bald except for a Charlie Brown curl just above his broad forehead. I was following him as he learned to walk but he couldn't hear my voice. I thought my gift of intuition was telling me he was in danger. Yeah, I've always thought myself a little on the invincible side.
The doctor finally gave up on trying to raise the iron and assured me that so long as I had a natural birth all would be well and once he arrived I'd go back to normal.
Back then I thought I was a little normal. I've since learned that my normal and the world's 'normal' have very little in common. My 'normal' blood pressure is lower than most. So when my blood pressure was 'normal' it was actually 'high' and when I started gaining weight without eating the tests showed everything was still 'normal' - except of course for my iron which had dropped even more.
Then came the day. The day when I saw a medical professional go into a near panic attack. January 29th the doctor induced labor at 5 a.m. At 5 p.m. we lost his heart beat and I had not dilated at all. There wasn't going to be a natural delivery and I didn't need to see the doctor's face to know that the odds were not with my survival. I told her I understood and that this baby had to live. He wanted to live. The rest of that day was a blur, a roller coaster of emotions - it certainly wasn't the most pleasant of experiences for this mom to be. They tried the spinal and missed 5 TIMES!!! before deciding to put me completely out. The nurse was whispering something to me and then I saw a tree in my mind and it hit my brain...hard...
It was a little while after I woke before I could hold him and when I looked into those bright, intelligent, hazel eyes (yes, the color was defined at birth and I really don't care how many scientific/logical people believe otherwise. They were the first pair of eyes I felt truly looked into my soul) I believed differently. I felt then, there could be no reason for abortion, no amount of justification. EVERY life had the right to fight for life and thrive. Who was I to have determined his fate? Sure, life isn't easy and we don't always get to choose our battles but we do get to choose to fight them. Even the unborn should have that right.
I didn't get to hold him very long. Flight for Life isn't called for convenience or to test the equipment. They are called when there's still a life to save and Ethan wasn't the one in danger. Adrenaline kicked in when I heard the news and my own fight began in earnest. I was three days in and out of a coma. Three days under a drug that could have killed me as easily as it could cure me. At that point there wasn't much to lose in trying.
There were a lot of blessings discovered in those three days. Those stories may have to come in another post.
The important detail in this story is I once believed in abortion under certain circumstances. I no longer feel that way. I could have been killed as easily in a car accident as I could have in child birth. Do I get rid of the car? No! And it goes without saying but something to think about it this - Why is it those that have already been born are the ones making the decisions for those that can not yet speak?
I do not judge. I am not so naive as to think this practice is something new. It is a practice that goes back to the start of time. Authors of every generation speak of it in their tales. Shakespeare and Faulkner are two I can quote directly. We are assured that methods are much safer today - you know kinda in the same way that lethal injection is much nicer than hanging. I do not believe insurance or society should cover the cost of the decision any more than I believe a child molester can be cured or should be forgiven. I believe that some decisions should be made and the maker of the decision take on full responsibility. That too is a character builder and one we need a little more of sometimes.
